


Anchorage

by Kairach



Category: ER (TV 1994)
Genre: F/M, Fake/Pretend Relationship, Fluff and Angst, Mutual Pining
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-07-23
Updated: 2018-08-02
Packaged: 2019-06-15 07:18:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 8,119
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15407841
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Kairach/pseuds/Kairach
Summary: 'We were in love, we were in love / Palisades, Palisades / I can wait, I can wait.'





	1. Proposition

"No."

"Come on."

" _No._ "

He was pointedly not looking at her, Lucy could tell. In the cold light of the x-ray, his face betrayed no emotion. She also knew that he was pretending to look at the graph, because he didn't want to take this conversation into the corridor.

God, he was an asshole. "So you're not even going to consider it?"

"Absolutely not."

"You're acting as if I'm _actually_ asking you to go out with me!" she replied incredulously. The words, despite everything, had a fantastic sound in her own ears.

"Oh you're right, how _dare_ I act like this is a weird proposition! All you're doing is asking me to spend four days with you across the country, to meet your parents and _pretend that I'm your boyfriend!"_

He almost spat the words back at her, and they rung through the silent room.

After a moment, Lucy took a breath and looked at the ground, refusing to notice that her heart was racing a little. "No, you're right. I get that it's a strange situation to be in, I hate everything  about this too-"

God, why did she decide to do this in Exam 6? Memories of what happened last time they were alone in this room seemed to travel though the air between them like electricity. 

"-But this only happened because my Mom was nagging me about getting a boyfriend."

"So you... made one up."

"No! I just... said I had one. I never expected it to go this far, but now she's asked again to see him next time I'm home, and I've completely run out of excuses. He's been ill, on jury service, at a family emergency, attending a funeral,"

She looked up and, to her surprise, he was actually smiling. It was a small, jeering smile, but a start. "Sounds like he's been through the works."

Lucy sighed. "You weren't my first choice, if that helps."

That was a lie, but a small one. She _had_ asked others, but there was always this secret hope within her that _he'd_ be the one to say yes.

"And it doesn't have to be over the top, if you just exist in the same room as my Mom, she'll be happy." She paused. "Yeah, it's- it's just my Mom, like I told you when we tried to find that guy in the city for his blood transfusion. So technically the job's already halved, if you think about it like that."

The quiet buzz of the x-ray lights filled the air.

Carter's voice softened. "Look Lucy, I'm really sorry, but I can't. It's-"

"Too weird?"

"Yeah. _You're_ not weird, it's just a-" He looked for the words.  "-strange situation."

"No, I get it." She tried not to let the sense of defeat that welled up within her colour her tone. "Um. Everyone else I've asked also said no, and you were kind of my only hope- but I guess I'll go ask Dale to spend a long weekend in Alaska with me."

***

In hindsight, Carter should have known that Lucy had absolutely no intention of asking Dale. In everyday work life, her teacher was mercurial and often downright vitriolic- but with matters of the heart and of his own pride, he was an open book.

Therefore, when Lucy left the room, and felt his eyes follow her as she went, she wasn't worried at all. And at 7pm when her phone buzzed in her pocket with his brief message ('I'll do it'), she wasn't surprised in the slightest.

After all, what could possibly go wrong?


	2. Flying

Carter swung open his apartment door as soon as Lucy knocked, a huge grin on his face. "Hey _babe!_ "

"Please don't do that."

"Do what, pretend to be your boyfriend?"

She groaned. "Are you ready to go?"

"Almost. I've just got to finish packing."

He disappeared into his apartment. Lucy stepped inside, not sure if this was her cue to do so. Seeing his apartment kind of felt like she was crossing a line- but then again, this entire holiday was going to be a series of line-crossing that she had never before thought possible.

The living-room was littered with medical journals and loose papers, but the furniture, although well-worn, looked expensive. Natural light flooded the whole apartment, and everything smelled of coffee. She sat down on the leather sofa- she may as well be comfortable while breaching social conduct.

Lucy heard the sound of a drawer being thrown open in the next room. Although he had only asked about exchanging addresses and all the necessary information for the trip, Carter messaging her had been a strange situation in itself. She'd be lying if she said that seeing his name on her phone didn't make her day a little brighter, despite him texting at strange times. The last message he sent was at around three in the morning. Was he really awake at that time, even when he wasn't on shift? More importantly, was he really thinking about this- _her -_ at three in the morning?

He reappeared in the doorway, a little breathless and holding a suitcase and backpack. "Right! Let's get this over with."

***

"Are you sure we're at the right gate?"

"Carter, I've been visiting my mom from Chicago for years now. I know what I'm doing."

He touched her arm lightly, mockingly concerned. "Yeah but babe, are you sure?"

"I'm going to throw you into oncoming traffic. I'll just tell my mom that my boyfriend unexpectedly died."

He laughed. "That would certainly make it easier for the both of us."

"It's delayed by half an hour, do you want me to get you a coffee or anything?"

"You don't have to do that."

"You're giving up four days of your time to help me out, it's the least I could do."

Fuck, she hated that dumb smile of his. Like you were the punch line to a joke only he knew.

"You're the best girlfriend I never had."

"Shut _up."_

***

"We're in coach?"

"Yeah, it's all I could afford." She looked up at him. "Why, do you normally fly first?"

"Dr. Carter?" A flight stewardess appeared in front of them.

"Yes?"

"The pilot sends his apologies for not recognizing you earlier. If you would like to follow me-"

She began to move towards the first class cabins.

"Can I bring my girlfriend?"

"I'm not-"

"Of course!"

"My grandma's kind of a big shareholder on this airline." He whispered confidentially to Lucy, scratching the back of his neck. The way he said it, it was almost like an apology.

"Does this mean I get my money back on these tickets?"

They moved slowly through the aisles, dodging outstretched legs and heads that were at the exact same height as their carry-on bags.  "Do you want to sacrifice all your dignity and integrity by even asking?"

"Yes."

He laughed, as if expecting nothing less. "Then yes, of course you can get your money back."

They sat down in their first class seats. Truth be told, this was Lucy's first time flying first class. She felt like a kid being allowed in the front seat for the first time.

She punched his arm lightly to get his attention from the window. "Hey, I should take you on flights more often."

He sighed, theatrically love-struck. "I wish you would, Lucy Knight."

Even hearing him say her name made her smile. Maybe this trip wasn't going to be so bad after all.

***

"You weren't really going to ask Dale, were you?"

Lucy was just about to fall asleep, but she welcomed the interruption. At this point she was leaning on his shoulder, both their complementary blankets wrapped around her. Normally she wouldn't have been so close to him, but on hour six of an eight-hour flight, and him hogging most of the space anyway, she decided that she didn't care anymore.

"Of course not. I'd have to bring someone home that my mom would actually _like._ Someone I'd actually be proud of showing to her." She lifted her head, immediately wide awake. "Oh god- I didn't mean-"

"No, I get it." He smirked. "A handsome, well-mannered doctor with good prospects. I'm perfect boyfriend material."

"Alright, well. 'Handsome' is a strong word. But _please_ don't tell anyone what I said before."

"Hell, maybe I'll just cut to the chase and tell your mom that we're engaged!"

"If you do that, I'm gonna tell everyone in the E.R that you agreed to do all this. And that we actually _did_ have sex in X-ray." She was trying desperately not to laugh.

"Sex-ray."

"And- that you have an STD or something. I'll... forge the results and put it on the bulletin board."

Carter settled into his chair and closed his eyes. "That actually happened once."

"What?"

"When I was new at County General. I had sex with a patient off-hours, and she gave me a - curable - STD, and Jerry posted the results on the board."

"You really can't keep it in your pants can you?"

"I did with you." He laughed.

When Lucy didn't respond, he opened his eyes and immediately regretted what he had said.

"Sorry, that- that was uncalled for."

"No, it's fine."

Subconsciously, she had moved ever so slightly away from him. Carter yearned to close the gap of space he had created, and-

Kiss her?

He blinked.

Was this really happening again?

He put on his headphones, and tried to drown out his own thoughts.


	3. Home

Although they talked politely here and there after that, it was Lucy who truly broke the silence, in the cab on the way to the house.

"I didn't grow up in Alaska, by the way. Soon after I left for med school, she moved here. I guess she liked the cold."

Carter let out a small breath he didn't know he was holding. "Do you?"

She looked out the window, into the night sky. "I guess I learned to, both in Anchorage and in Chicago."

The cab turned left, partway up a hill, then pulled up.

"Sorry guys, the path's too narrow to go any further, you'll have to walk the rest." Said the driver, looking up at the couple from the mirror.

Carter cast a worried glance at Lucy. "How far away is the house?"

"Oh, it's about a five minute walk, it's fine." She assured him. "Look, you can see it from here."

They paid the cab, got their bags, and started to trek up the path.  Immediately, Carter was struck with how clean the air was here- he already felt refreshed from the cloying atmosphere of the airport.

The house was nestled within a cluster of pine trees, overlooking a huge lake that Carter and Lucy had just spent half an hour driving around. The front of the house had a small balcony and decking, and from this height Carter could make out the end of a pier on the lake.

"It's beautiful."

"Yeah, she saved up for years to buy this place." She shifted her grip on her bags, and they started to walk up together.

"What's your mom's name again?"

"Roseanne."

"Roseanne Knight!"

"Yeah it's a great name, right? I'm kind of annoyed she just called me 'Lucy'."

A minute or so more, and John could already feel the chill. Momentarily he put down his suitcase to warm his gloved hands.

"Carter, we're in Alaska, you're gonna have to do your scarf up tighter than that."

Lucy stood on tiptoe to loosen, then fix it. Fold in half-diagonal, fold, wrap.

Her fingers lightly brushed over the warmth of his throat.

She wrapped the fabric round and round his neck, until there was just enough fabric to tie a knot at the front, ignoring the way their soft breathing steamed in the frozen air.

She looked up. His warm, brown eyes held within them an unrecognizable emotion. She wasn't sure if she imagined his head leaning a fraction towards her to-

They both heard the front door open. Almost naturally, the two put an arm around each other. The act started here.

"Hi! Come in, it's freezing! I'm so sorry I couldn't pick you guys up, cleaning the house was a nightmare."

They walked up the rest of the way to the house, and took a few steps indoors. The tiny entrance hall was just as Lucy remembered, and she was grateful for the wall of warmth it offered.

"Close the door, quickly! The draft-excluder's just beside the shoe rack. So you are...?"

"Oh, I'm Dr. John Carter."

He was entirely too large for such a small space, and when he offered a friendly hand, Lucy could tell that her mom was immediately enchanted.

"He works at County General too, Mom." she added, sidestepping Carter to hug her mother.

"Oh!" A flicker of recognition in her eyes. "The teacher!"

"Mom-"

"What? I'm not judging. And it must be serious, otherwise you wouldn't be here."

Carter and Lucy shared a look. Although it only lasted a second, to Lucy it seemed like an eternity.

"I'm sorry I'm just now knowing who you are, John. Lucy's been so secretive about you lately."

"Yeah, I'm really sorry I didn't come here sooner. I was ill for a while, and-" He scratched the back of his neck again. He always seemed to do that when he was nervous, Lucy noticed.

"Oh, don't worry about it: you're here now, and that's all that matters. Follow me through to the kitchen, I'll make you both a warm drink. I know the cold can be a bit of a shock to newcomers."

Roseanne was, surprisingly, exactly how Carter had imagined. A little taller than Lucy, but there was something about her movement that he found familiar. One of the first things that she noticed about her, was that she had exactly the same eyes as his student. Slightly different face shape, but the same eyes.

The group stepped into the kitchen, which appeared to be lifted directly from a farmhouse in rural England. There were exposed beams, and herbs growing from the windowsill, a huge oak table... Carter imagined the entire room in a cast-iron storage container, floating over the Pacific. In the corner of the room was a makeshift pen, where a spaniel puppy leapt and skidded about in excitement. 

"A puppy!"

"Oh yeah, that's Logan." Lucy said, laughing at Carter's expression. "He's supposed to be asleep right now, but you can play with him in the morning, if you like."

"Your house is wonderful, Ms. Knight."

"Oh please, call me Roseanne. And thank you! remind me to show you round in the morning. What would you like to drink?"

"Decaf, please. Black."

Carter and Lucy sat at the oak table while Roseanne had her back to them. Lucy's heart was racing. He placed a hand on hers, and looked into her eyes.

-You ok?-

-I'm fine.-

He nodded. Then, feeling awkward, he took back his hand.

Both of them wished he had left it there.


	4. Film night

"-And this is your bedroom. I threw in a couple extra blankets in there, as it gets chilly at night. Logan isn't normally allowed in here, but I can make an exception if you _really_ want him."

Lucy felt Carter stiffen a little beside her. She guessed that he hadn't thought this far ahead, to the possibility of them having to share a room.

"Uhm. What else? Oh yeah, I made some nachos if you're still hungry, and I'll be watching a film in the living room if either of you want to stop by. Completely fine if not- you guys must be really jetlagged."

"Thanks, Mom." Lucy smiled warmly. "I'd love to watch a film later."

"Great! Great. See you in a while, then."

She set off down the corridor, as the two let themselves into the room.

There was a heavy silence as they both looked at the double bed. Luckily, there was a sofa on the other side of the room too.

"I'll sleep on the sofa." said Lucy.

"No it's fine, I'll take the sofa."

"You're too tall for it."

Carter felt sure he heard her voice crack. He looked down, but couldn't see her expression.

"Lucy, are you... alright?"

There was a pause.

"This was a very bad idea." She said finally in a small voice.

"Please don't cry."

"Too late."

" _No..._ " He said softly, pulling her into a hug.

"What if she sees through it, what if she already knows? I'm a huge idiot, and this was a dumb idea, and I've dragged you into this." She mumbled into his shirt.

"Shh, you didn't drag me into anything. I agreed. And this all came from a good place, you just didn't want your mom to worry about you, and that's not dumb at all."

It all felt a little too realistic, though. That was what haunted the both of them, but Lucy was scared to bring it up, lest the whole situation turn into something that was beyond repair.

Carter felt the slight shudder of her breathing, and rubbed the centre of her back.

"I'm sorry for crying."

"Don't worry about it- I find jetlag always makes things seem a lot worse than they are." They pulled away from each other. "You should go wash up though-I don't want your mom to think we're different behind closed doors."

She smiled, wiping away a tear. "We _are_ different behind closed doors."

"You know what I mean. Roseanne seems nice, by the way."

"Yeah, I love her a lot." She hesitated. "She has untreated ADD, that's why she's so scatterbrained. I told her she needs to go on meds like I do, but she doesn't listen."

He looked away. "Yeah, I guessed. Listen, I'm sorry about getting mad when you mentioned that you were on medication- I read up on ADD afterwards, and I behaved like an asshole. I'm really sorry."

"It's alright, I'm surprised you even remember."

"What do you mean?"

"You yell at me like every day over all sorts of things, why did that particular scenario stick in your mind?"

"I don't yell at you _every day._ " He mumbled, feeling bad. The drama of the E.R seemed light-years away now. "But... I'm sorry. If I ever snap at you."

Lucy smiled. She had never seen him make himself intentionally vulnerable like that. "Don't worry about it, John."

"Now lets go out there and watch a film, we're a fake model couple. I fake-love you."

"This fake-relationship is moving a little fast."

"Are you fake-breaking up with me?"

"You're peer pressuring me to fake-say I love you!"

"Come on!"

"Fine." She looked up at him. His eyes had a warm glow of tiredness about them, and she desperately wished he would kiss her, finish what they had started outside the house. "I love you."

***

Lucy had put her arm across Carter's stomach and leaned into his chest, while he absentmindedly played with her hair. He had done this to keep up the act, but now that both Lucy and Roseanne were asleep, he couldn't find it in him to stop.

They were watching a romcom, of all things. But he found it difficult to follow the increasingly convoluted plot, when he could feel Lucy's slow, rhythmic breathing against him.

Of course, she wasn't interested in him. Even at the start, it was only sexual. They talked, _almost_ had sex, and that was it. They had been back to normal, save for the occasional argument. Well, he supposed that _was_ the normal. All that tension seemed to dissipate as soon as they stepped in this house.

It was strange: as soon as he knew Lucy wasn't interested, Carter had actually begun to miss her. Why was he yearning for someone who worked beside him every day, as if her presence was already lost to him completely? Is that why he said yes to all this?

He pushed the thought away almost immediately after it came. She was a student, and that was all she was ever going to be. Despite his hopes.

However, that still didn't explain the feeling of... belonging here. Beside her, away from everyone else. It was like he could breathe freely, do everything he had hoped to do, even if it _was_ all for an act.

For the first time in a long while, he felt _right._

Lucy sighed and shifted a little. He really couldn't move. This was like a cat choosing to fall asleep in your lap.

"Lucy?" He whispered. No response.

Very slowly, he begun to shift off the sofa, and gingerly pick her up. Only a half-conscious eye opening, recognition that it was him, then falling back asleep as he carried her to their bedroom.

Gently, he laid her on the sofa in their bedroom, and found some blankets for her.

Maybe this whole thing wasn't going to be as bad as he thought.


	5. Revelation

Here she was, sitting cross-legged on the sofa in his oversized t-shirt, a cup of hot chocolate in both hands. Her eyes shone a little from waking up, and her hair soft with just stepping out of the shower. She looked almost angelic in the morning light.

Carter, shaking off the fumes of sleep, looked at her with confused interest. It occurred to him that this is what she looked like every morning. He had never seen this version of her before, but it would occur without him, and continue long after he had left.

"Can I help you?"

He looked away. That was weird.

"I didn't know you already went downstairs, how long have you been awake?"

"Only about half an hour. You snore, by the way." She replied.

" _You_ snore, I don't."

"I've never snored. Would you like some tea? I can bring it up for you."

"You don't have to do that." He muttered into the pillow.

"It's small gestures of kindness that'll make this whole thing believable, Carter. Maybe you should try it out."

"Oh yeah? what's that supposed to mean?"

"Nothing."

They stared at each other, at a comfortable impasse only the two of them could create.

"I'll get you that tea."

"Thank you."

***

After about half an hour, Carter decided it would be best to find out what Lucy was doing. Also, he could hear Logan barking, and desperately wanted to play with him.

He padded downstairs, across the floorboards, but heard voices in the kitchen.

"So do you like him?"

"Lucy, he's wonderful! So polite, and courteous, and he's a _doctor."_

"Why do you focus on the prospects of who I go out with? I'm a doctor too. Almost."

"Oh, I know- force of habit I suppose, it's what my mother always did to me. But it's not just his job that I like, it's the way he looks at you, when he thinks no one's looking. You can tell you two love each other a whole lot."

Shit.

"What did you think of him? Before you were dating, I mean."

Carter silently sat down out of eyesight, against the wall. He had never noticed the glass wind chime outside this window before- refracted light danced across the floors and along his hands as he strained his ears to listen.

"Honestly, he was kind of an asshole at the start. I don't know, I guess we just didn't really see each other properly. But... as time went on, despite our differences, I felt closer to him than anyone else in the E.R. He saw me through some rough times- and it was only then that I began to see him for who he is- a compassionate, funny, kind individual. I saw this for the first time we were both sitting on the roof one night, and we didn't know if this girl we had spent all day trying to save was going to make it. And he said to me 'you fought the good fight, tomorrow you'll fight another one.' I dunno, that just stuck with me, and whenever I'm having a difficult time with a patient, I think of it."

Roseanne was quiet.

"Like, he's still a huge idiot," There was a pause, which Carter assumed to be her taking a sip of her drink. "But he's... the greatest teacher I've ever had."

The conversation moved on, but Carter lingered on those words. Ignoring the dawning realization that every minute he spent with Lucy in this house, he was falling deeper in love with her.

"So have you not told him yet?"

Lucy paused. "No, not yet. I haven't found a good time to approach the subject."

"You should soon, you won't be working with him much longer."

"Yeah, I know. I just... kind of don't want to believe it's ending. I mean, I'm leaving for Psych and all but-"

"You won't be working with him anymore."

She sighed. "Yeah."

His heart sank.

***

Back in their bedroom, Carter heard the door close softly, and Lucy walked into view, carrying his tea.

"Oh, you're awake. I thought you went back to sleep." Lucy yawned, stretching one arm towards the ceiling. "Listen, I was thinking maybe we should do dumb nicknames, you know, like all the worst couples. Like Goose and Maverick from Top Gun or something. Starsky and Hutch."

He had rehearsed the angry words he was going to throw at her as soon as she entered the room-why hadn't she told him that she was leaving for a permanent residency in Psych?- but after a moment's hesitation, he decided to humour her. Despite everything, he didn't want to ruin the weekend. After all, this was now the last time they'd actually spend time together. "Why specifically action duos?"

"I dunno, it's more the fact that I'm blonde and you're... brunette. Bohdi and Utah."

"Stop."

"Bill and Ted."

"Now you're just thinking of Keanu Reeves."

"Who _isn't,_ honestly."

"I'll tell him that when he's at gamma's next gala."

She stopped in her tracks. "You're bluffing."

He stared at her. "Am I?"

Carter lost his composure after a few seconds silence. "Yeah, I was bluffing. Of course I don't personally know Keanu Reeves, Lucy."

"You're an idiot."

"Hey, you actually believed me! You think all rich and famous people know each other!"

"No I didn't, I was humouring you! Like I've had to do for my entire rotation for you to teach me basic medical skills!"

"Oh _really_ -"


	6. Drunk

It was getting late, and after a dinner that got slightly out of hand alcohol-wise, everyone went to bed. 

"Carter?"

"Yeah?"

"Are you asleep?"

"I was."

She giggled. "This is just like a sleepover. We should play truth or dare or something."

Carter pictured a million different outcomes, all of which ending in disaster. "Let's talk about boys instead."

"Oh yeah? Who I have a crush on?"

His heart skipped. "If you like."

"Mark, of course. I'm desperately, euphorically in love with Mark."

"Well, that almost goes without saying."

"I love his... baldness."

They both burst out laughing.

"Wait, should I even be talking to you about this, isn't he like, your dad or something?"

"You joke but I genuinely am going slip up and call him Dad one of these days." He replied.

"Resident Dad."

"Chief Father Figure."

"He shouted at me once, and I almost cried."

"That happened to me too!"

Hearing her laugh made his heart soar.

"Oh man, the room's spinning." She mumbled.

"Those two glasses of wine are really getting the better of you, huh."

"They were big glasses, to be fair."

"To you, maybe."

She threw a pillow at him. "I'm going to sleep, if you're gonna make short jokes."

"Alright."

"Goodnight, babe."

"Goodnight." He hesitated. "I love you."

"I love you too."

***

"Carter."

"Oh my god."

"There's a spider on the ceiling, can you get it?"

A long sigh.

"Come on, it's what boyfriends do, and I can't reach."

"It's three in the morning. How can you even see it?"

"It's an ominous, black shape just where my head is, it's definitely a spider."

He turned on the light. "Huh. You were right."

"Carter!"

"Alright!"

Carter stumbled out of bed and nudged Lucy out of the way so he could stand on the sofa. He stretched up, cupping his hands and hoping for the best.

"So what did your mom think of me?" He ventured.

"She loves you. You were wrong about one thing though."

"Oh yeah?"

"She doesn't think you're handsome." Lucy's face was aglow. 

"Ah."

"Kind of weaselly, actually."

"And what did you say to that?"

"I said that she should have seen you with the beard, that was way worse."

"Hey!"

"Have you got that spider yet?"

"I can't quite reach either, you're just going to have to wait for it to crawl away."

"Can I lie on your bed so it doesn't fall on me?"

"Sure."

They both laid out on the bed, staring at the ceiling in the quiet.

"You know, your mom's really cool. I know I've said this before, but still." He said.

"What's your mom like?"

Carter was silent. 

"Did you not know her or something?" Lucy asked. "I'm sorry if I'm intruding-"

"No, she was there. She's just... distant."

"I'm sorry."

"Don't be."

Lucy looked at him. He had the same unreadable expression in x-ray, when she proposed this whole trip.

"I guess I like your mom so much, because seeing you two talk reminds me of what a family should be like." He said quietly. "All those inside jokes at dinner, that feeling of closeness you both had..."

"We're barely a family-there's only two of us. Three including you, temporarily."

"The number of family members doesn't determine how great it is-I have a huge extended family, that doesn't mean it's a very good one."

"Well, I would have liked some brothers or sisters anyway."

Carter fell silent again.

"Listen, I might be drunk but I'm right:' Lucy drew a breath. "Your blood family is just a group of people who are thrown together by pure chance. I love my mom, but I know in my heart that you choose your real family. Your real home. You'll find your family soon, Carter. I know it."

He chuckled. "You're my med student, I should be teaching you something."

"You have." 

"Only medical stuff, anyone can teach you that. When I was Benton's student, I always used to think that when the time came for me to teach, I'd do a way better job than he did. I'd be emotionally connected, supportive, I'd be- well, profound." He continued to stare at the ceiling. "I could barely keep my cool around you. And I didn't even teach you how to start an IV when you arrived, so I failed at the medical part too. Benton told me that we're not here to be our student's friends but honestly? I wish I had a friend when I was in your shoes. I want... to be the person I needed in the past. But I guess I never will be."

Silence.

"Are you asleep?"

He turned to face her. Sure enough, she was out cold.

"I was going to bear my entire soul to you, and you're too drunk to hear me."

She sighed sleepily as Cater brushed the hair away from her eyes.

"I guess I'll sleep on the sofa tonight. Goodnight Lucy, I love you."

It was then that he realized; he wasn't completely sure if he was joking anymore.


	7. Sunrise

The small, bright lawn stretched away smoothly to the huge, frozen lake.

The turf was hemmed with an edge of forget-me-nots and columbine, beyond that the neatly-raked gravel path winded its way down to the pier. Carter stood at the edge of the lawn with his hands in his pockets, watching the sun rise. No one was in sight, and not a sound came from the house behind him. Both he and Logan, who was bounding about in the snow, were ineffectual guardians of the property.

This was starting to get out of his depth, he could feel his feelings for her getting stronger by the day. It was like being gradually submerged in water. He cursed himself for being so oblivious to it in the past, for ignoring his feelings in the hopes that when he ever realized them, she'd be long gone. It was almost the end of her rotation, she'd be leaving for Psych by the end of the week, and his heart had decided that this weekend would be the perfect time to fall in love. He knew it was pride that got in the way of him confessing long ago, and it was pride that still stifled his feelings to her even now. Either he could purge his feelings for her, or bury them completely.

A shot of coldness hit the back of his neck. "Ah!"

Lucy burst out laughing. "How did you not hear me coming?"

"Oh, you're really gonna regret that-"

"No, no!"

A short, furious snowball fight erupted between them, the dog leaping about them with challenging barks until they drew towards each other, panting and laughing. They were close enough for Lucy to notice that he had snowflakes in his hair, and dusting his eyelashes. The white glitter of the trees filled the morning air with its own mysterious brightness, and the ground seemed to sing under Lucy's feet as Carter tilted her head upwards slightly to kiss her.

Nothing, then the world erupted into light and colour.

Almost as quickly as it began, Carter drew away to whisper in her ear: "Your mother is at the window, we needed to act believable."

Of course, it was for the act.

"Yeah, I know."


	8. Snowstorm

Lucy knew that Carter was a complete stranger to the pure, unadulterated fear that the sentence 'the generator's down' brought.

"It's fine, we'll just put on more layers like in Chicago."

The two women shared a look.

"What?"

"He's like a newborn lamb."

"You know you're in Alaska, right?" Lucy pointed.

"Yeah?"

" _Alaska._ Just before a snowstorm. In the winter."

"Whatever, he'll know the gravity of the situation soon enough, " said Roseanne offhandedly. "I'm gonna go light every fireplace we have."

Although the day culminated in board games and more films ('Carter, you _laughed_ at the Point Break joke I made the other day, _how_ have you not seen it?' 'I laughed out of politeness, Luce-'), the further temperature drop at night was beginning to get a little scary.

Under the quilt that was never meant to replace a warm duvet, Lucy was bitterly cold. She wrapped her arms around herself, clenched her fingers together trying to find some warmth. The cold froze her bones and the marrow in her bones, froze her blood and the lashes of her eyes, all she could do was curl up into a ball and...

Something lifted her and the quilt up as if they weighed nothing at all.

Then, the feeling of being gently placed onto the bed, and having duvets wrapped around her.

"Don't read too deeply into this." came the sleepy voice next to her. "I could _hear_ you shivering."

Lucy reached for the cotton, light blue t-shirt. It was soft to the touch, and she weaved her fingers into the fabric. She could feel the warmth radiating underneath, felt it enveloping her in his arms, and she knew that if either one of them move away now, they would be lost to each other forever.

Her head was tucked under his chin, her nose pressed into his collarbone. She had been this close to him before, but never quite like this. Not with his heartbeat under her palm, or her toes curling into the hem of his pajama pants.

She could never tell him about her true feelings. Not really. Nor could she ever fully describe how all self-consciousness vanished in the odd sense of adventure she felt when she was around him. She knew he would never be interested in her, she'd never allow herself to vocalise these feelings again. But now, as her shivering subsided and Carter sank further into sleep, she knew that this... was enough.

"Thank you."

"For what?" He murmured.

"For being a friend."

Carter paused. "I don't want to be your friend, Lucy."

"What?"

"Nothing."

***

At 4:30am, Carter got out of bed. It was the first time his mind was quiet, ever since he went with Lucy to Exam 6. He brushed his teeth, washed his face with cold water, and slowly packed up his things.

It hurt him that this would be the last time he ever set foot in this cabin. Set foot in Anchorage. He took one last breath inside, before closing the front door behind him.

Exhale. He could hear the cab idling in the distance.

***

Bohdi,

Please tell Roseanne that I was paiged for something really important. The last thing I want is for this weekend to be a waste in your eyes.

By the time you read this, I'll be on the next plane to Chicago. I know this is an awful thing to do, and I'm not going to look for your forgiveness, because I know it will be undeserved. Just know that I'm sorry. Things for me got too... real. Too quickly. And I didn't want things to get out of hand, if they haven't already. I didn't want to ruin everything.

Again, I'm really sorry. This weekend- our friendship- has had some of the happiest moments of my life.

Yours,

Utah.

*******

Carter had never expected to fall in love with her, he mused. The blue morning light of the motorway casted gaunt shadows over the face of the driver, as the ghost of his hopes still slept soundly upstairs.

Ghosts upstairs. What was that from?

"What?"

He was speaking out loud. "You know, the one where the guy's past is up in the attic, and it ruins the marriage."

"Jane Eyre, it's my daughter's favourite book. Are you okay dude?"

He looked back out the window. "I'm fine."

It was the same driver as when they had arrived, that was why he looked so familiar. "I take it things uh, didn't work out between you and your girlfriend."

"She wasn't my girlfriend. And I guess not."

Things had gotten too much. He felt too deeply for her, and it scared him. Maybe when they both went back to their normal lives, phased out of each other's routines, things could go back to normal. He couldn't keep pining for someone who didn't feel the same. Faking the whole thing wasn't a placebo for him as he had thought it would be. It was...cruel. Maybe he knew it would cause him pain all along.

Maybe that was why he had decided to say yes.

***

Lucy caught him at the deserted airport just in time. "No, you're _not_ doing this, you can't quit on me and ruin it all at the last minute."

"Lucy?"

"Why are you leaving, what do you mean, 'too real'? I didn't find the letter immediately, you know. I only saw it after I searched everywhere for you. For a minute I thought you had gone down to the pier, fallen through the ice..."

He stared at her. "You don't get it, do you? You have no idea why I would want to leave."

"Did I do something?"

"No, of course not, I just..." He looked away, his voice faltering like he was telling a joke as he folded his gloves into his pocket."This is what I was afraid would happen. I came with you because I wanted to purge away how I felt about you, but I just ended up- you know what, forget it. It'll only get worse if I explain."

He was about to walk away, but Lucy took his hand.

"Let go, Lucy." His face darkened.

They weren't doing this. Not today, not ever again. There were supposed to be no more arguments between them."Why do you do this? Just change, do a complete U-turn at the flip of a dime. God, I thought you, I thought you _changed_ when we were out of the E.R, but you're doing the exact same shit I thought you had left behind! You can't just dismiss me like this and run away, not after-"

"Not after what? Me _pretending_ to be your boyfriend?"

"What?"

It had to be a clean break, Carter knew this after so much experience. It was all or nothing now. "And you think I'm dismissive! Like I'm not giving you all of the information, just keeping it locked up inside me!" He laughed hollowly. "I wonder how _that_ feels."

"John, what are you talking about?"

"You're leaving for a permanent residency at Psych, Lucy. And you never told me."

"I didn't think you'd care! When you taught me, you only acknowledged my presence when I messed up, why would I think that you'd care about me leaving?" She still didn't let go of his hand as she met his gaze with the same fierceness. "You're so... childish, I can't believe you're leaving Anchorage because I didn't tell you _one_ thing, and yet you won't even tell me why you're ditching me!"

"This isn't your fault, Lucy- you can relax about you."

That felt familiar. Suddenly she was taken back to when they were both finding Nelson, less than a month ago. He hadn't changed his views about her since then. She had never developed, in his eyes.

The realization hit her. "God. You're never going to think of me as anything more than a student, are you?"

"Don't be ridiculous. You'll end your rotation, and I'll never think about you again."

She hardened."Then why were you so jealous about Dale on the plane?"

The question came out of nowhere. "What?"

"You heard me. Why do you say you're not interested in me, but when I'm with anyone else, you get all pissy and jealous?" The words were coming out in a rush now. "I try my very best every day, _knowing_ that if I help just one person, all the hardship will be worth it. But as soon as I mess up, or you _think_ I mess up, you stand there as if you've been waiting for me to fail all along. Why did you never notice that I never truly fitted into that hospital? Or did you see me struggling, and just not care? Why is it that some days you look at me as if I'm the fucking sun, and on other days you can barely stand to be in the same room as me?"

"You're being-"

"Do you know how much that hurts? To be hated by the person you respect the most? Do you even know that you're a _fucking awful teacher?-"_

_"Alright!"_ He roared. It was as if a bomb went off. "I get it, I'm the worst excuse for a human being you've ever seen."

"That's not what I meant-"

"But I've got some questions for _you,_ Lucy. Why did you stage this whole thing? Is it because you're so desperately lonely that you can only spend time with a man when you force them to? You didn't even ask anyone else, did you?"

She could hear the blood rushing through her ears, and she willed herself not to cry."I did!"

"Oh yeah? Who?"

"You don't know them."

"Well, that's convenient, isn't it." He laughed and began to walk away from her, when she didn't realise that she had let go of his hand.

"I'm not lonely, and I didn't stage this."

"Sure. Keep telling yourself that."

"God, I can't believe I thought you were great-"

"Likewise. Goodbye, Ms. Knight."

It was only when he was seated on the plane that Carter realised he had tears in his eyes.


	9. Strangers

The two returned to the E.R, and Anchorage was never mentioned again. In the final days of Lucy's rotation, barely a word was exchanged between them. Mark noticed the absence of the weekly arguments that had been his job to resolve, and wondered what they did to make up.

Now that a week had passed, it was Lucy's time to leave for Psych. Carter was about to watch her leave the E.R for the last time, but they just had to take care of one last patient together.

Carter gritted his teeth, and tried to ignore the dull ache of longing that always resurfaced in his chest whenever he looked at her.

Ironically, her last day was on Valentine's Day.


	10. Kettering

After a while, Lucy slowly broke through the surface of her own unconsciousness. Away from the heavy, drowning sensation, and towards...

She opened her eyes, and found herself in a room she didn't recognize, but amid the familiar beeping of monitors. Everything hurt. Like somebody had turned her inside out and scraped at her with sandpaper, before putting her back together again. She could barely breathe. Something was in her throat-a pipe of some sorts. They must have given her a tracheotomy, but she didn't know for what.

She found Carter beside her, asleep in a wheelchair. He was dressed in the same papery hospital gown as her, and had a hospital tag around the hand that still rested above hers on the rails.

With all her remaining strength, she moved her hand infinitesimally to grip his.

"...Lucy?"

He woke up slowly, but was alive when he found her staring up at him. "Lucy, you're alive, you're awake!"

His throat was hoarse, as if he had been crying. In fact, she could see tears in his eyes even now. He brushed the hair out of her eyes, and put her hand in both of his. "You're alive..."

Lucy couldn't speak.

He was laughing breathlessly, the sight of her making him more alive the more he saw. "Don't try to speak- as you can probably tell, you've had a tracheotomy. You've been in... something terrible. We- we thought we'd lost you. But you're fine now, you're okay."

He scanned her vitals on the screen. "You're safe."

Lucy searched his face. He was a copy of Carter- a shadow of him that held her lifeless hand. She wasn't sure who was more of a ghost between the two of them. He looked as if he hadn't slept or eaten in days.

"You can whisper if I take the tube out for a moment or so, but I can probably lip-read."

-Where?-

"You're in the ICU. The worst is over, but Dr. Corday thinks that you're not quite out of the woods yet."

There was a reason why Carter wasn't relaying her vitals, she realised. She could still die.

Her sides and throat burned.

-Morphine-

"It's on its way, I've already rung."

He still had snowflakes in his hair, like in Alaska. When she looked away the snowflakes bloomed and expanded behind her eyes, the force of them making her slump her head back into the pillows. They were patches of oscillating whiteness on the ceiling now, clouding her entire vision.

The steady warmth of his hand was the only thing she could cling onto against the oncoming tide of her unconsciousness.

-Stay-

"I will. You never left me, Lucy."


	11. Wake

In her broken, morphine-clouded nightmares, Carter was still lying bleeding on the floor, his heady, breathless anguish forming her name in the air. The darkened, noiseless room. Nobody came for them. Their heartbeats slow, together.

Weeks or months or years pass. Their blood has dried, their breathing still. Plants grow from the floor, climb up the walls. The ceiling caves in, slowly or all at once. Sunlight pours in, warming their frozen bodies, vacant gazes fixed towards each other.

***

"I'm sorry."  
-For what?-  
"I didn't mean any of those things I said at the airport. I'm sorry I didn't apologize sooner, the first time you came round, I was-" He shook his head. "I was just glad you were alive. I'm- I'm sorry I didn't listen, I'm sorry I left you alone with him, I'm sorry I pushed for the spinal tap, I'm sorry I never said to you- I'm sorry that I'm the one breaking down, when you're in the worse condition-"  
Despite everything, she smiled.  
"What?"

-You.-

***  
When she wakes from the same dream, Carter is there. He's always been there, just like he promised. He can see the confused terror in her eyes, her barely-concealed, voiceless pain. Just as she can see the hollowness of his face and feel the tremors in his hand when she reaches out to touch him.

There was no time for confessions.

They both knew.


End file.
